I’ve now officially lost count of how many courses of chemo I’ve had. Somewhere over 30 is the answer. I just keep on putting more and more poison into my body! People have asked me whether it gets easier. That’s difficult to answer. I struggle more with anxiety now. As the day approaches, the blood tests, the smell of the ward, the needles, the confinement, the knowledge of what’s to come. It all seems to increase my anxiety.

The last couple of treatments I’ve displayed more physical anxiety symptoms. My temperature goes up and I start sweating. The nurses bring me an iced water, I raise my feet, and I try to relax. It’s easier if I can pass the time quickly, but I can’t stay focused on anything. I need to shut my eyes. It would be easiest if I fell asleep. I ask the nurses to speed up my dose, to get out of there more quickly.

I pray about my anxiety, but God doesn’t necessarily take it away. Still, it’s good to talk to him about it and I know I can trust him whatever I may be feeling.